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Horny For Evil #34    12/31/06
Horny For Evil #33    12/17/06
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Well guys, it's another one of those, "Holy fuck he pulled it off" moments for me and FX. SickRadio.com is up and running. There's 5 different shows/DJs there now, but with folks seeing the site is actually up and running it looks like the number of shows will increase soon. The site/layout is up for changes, there's still a lot of work to do, but the bottom line is if you want to hear some of the sickest radio shows on the internet you need to pop over there and have a listen. Hmm, you know what, just to see if the site can keep up with the demand, for now you can by pass the site and just click the link over on the toolbar that says Listen to SickRadio.com Now.

I'd like to thank all the DJs that stuck it out over the last 2 months, it was a rough start, but it looks like things should be smooth from here on out. Have a listen, I'm sure SickRadio.com will rock your cunt..... Or jump on, kick, set on fire, drag the remains with a truck, blend it up and then paint a picture of the whole bloody scene of your cunt's sad but brutal ending on your gravestone. (There... Is that better?)

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16 years old and all smiles I walked out of drug rehab after being locked up for 3 months. But after about 2 weeks of my new found freedom, I was missing structure, someone there telling me not to fuck up. I felt hopeless, and just wanted to get wasted. I called up a few people I was locked up with and stopped by to say what's up. This chick Paula had come up from a town about 60 miles south of Nashville to see some of us. Chris and Heather was fucking in the bedroom while I drank away almost 4 months of feeling like a human. Paula informed me that they were all going to go back to her home town to party like hell, and invited me along. Chris, Heather, Paula and myself took off later that day on a journey that would change us all forever.

We smoked dope, and drank beer for the entire drive there, we pulled up into her small ass town cashless and wanting to party some more. I pulled the car into a gas station, Chris and Heather got out of the car headed towards the gas station while me and Paula headed for the liquor store. I acted like I was lost and was asking for directions while Paula walked through the isles stuffing as much booze as she could in her purse. It worked perfectly, the dude didn't have a clue we were robbing his ass blind.

I drank a 5th of Jim Beam in about 4 swigs in less than 15 minutes. That combined with all the beer made me incredibly sick. I remember puking out in the middle of no where. My next memory is waking up a few hours later extremely pissed off. Seems Paula's aunt had hooked them up with some coke. Chris, being the nice guy he was, didn't want me to miss out on my share so he shot me up while I was passed out.

This turned out to be a very, very bad thing. I woke up standing on the ceiling of that car, I looked over at Heather, who is also in the back seat, passed out, I focus on Chris, who is riding shot gun. He asked me how I felt, I just begun punching him in the face from the back seat. Paula was screaming, the kind of screaming I wanted to make stop, I wrapped my arm around her throat choking her while the car barreled down the main drag of her town. Her foot went down on the gas pedal and we took off even faster slamming into a pick-up truck that was pulling a boat.

I got out of the back seat, pulled Paula out by her shoulders pushing her into the back seat. I jumped up front and started the car, Chris was holding his face from the beating and/or his face going through the windshield. I took off like a bat out of hell, somewhere in there Heather had woke up and was cheering me on. The cars steering wasn't responding very well, it took off left from the road and headed for the Wal-Mart right across the street ramming right into the front window. I got out of Paula's car and started walking through the parking lot, a lady drove up to see if we were okay (?) and I walked up to her car, reached in and grabbed her, pulling her out the window by her hair. I got into her car and took off through the parking lot. Somehow I managed to slam into a parked car.

The liquor store this whole night had started at was right across the street, so I ran there on foot. Before I even got inside I could hear the police sirens getting close, the clerk asked me what the hell was going on out there and I said something about it being the end of the world. I grabbed a bottle of booze, opened it and took a huge drink. The clerk came running at me and I took off to the bathroom where I locked myself inside. I began drinking, I'm not sure how long I was in there, maybe 5 minutes before the police kicked in the door and drug me out by my arms. I could hear Heather screaming at the police as I was being cuffed, once inside the police car I could see her fighting them off like mad woman. Join The Army by Suicidal Tendencies was playing in my head over and over.

Rehab was cool.

Rant About It HERE     See More Bullshit HERE

Rant About It HERE     See More Bullshit HERE

NICKEL MINES, Pa. -- Calling on their faith for guidance, the Amish community here coupled sorrow with forgiveness Monday after a milk-truck driver armed with a small arsenal burst into a one-room schoolhouse, killing three girls and critically wounding eight before committing suicide.

The attack was methodical, gruesome and baffling. Charles Carl Roberts IV, a 32-year-old father of three with no criminal record, entered the schoolhouse with a gun in his hand about 10 a.m., State Police Commissioner Jeffrey B. Miller said. Roberts, who was not Amish and had no known connection to the school, ordered the 15 male students, the teacher and several aides with infants to leave. Then he set about preparing for a siege

According to Miller, Roberts lined up 10 female students, ages 6 to 13, and a young teacher's aide against the chalkboard. He wrapped wire and plastic ties around their ankles, binding their feet together -- or to one another. He barricaded the door with wooden boards and piled-up desks.

Outside, the teacher and the boys raced for help, cutting through fields to the nearest farmhouse. The Amish eschew most modern technology, so none of them had a cell phone. Many homes here -- like the schoolhouse -- do not have phones, although Amish farmers often have a line running to the barn or corn crib.

At 10:36 a.m., the teacher reached a phone and dialed 911.

Inside the schoolhouse, Roberts waited. He had a shotgun, a semiautomatic pistol and a rifle, 600 rounds of ammunition, explosive powder, a stun gun, two knives, a change of clothes, and a bucket with pliers, a hacksaw and wire. At some point, Roberts called his wife on his cell phone. He talked of a grudge from long ago, said he was getting even. He kept the girls silent as he talked. On the other end of the line, his wife heard nothing but his voice.

State police pulled up to the pale-yellow building at 10:45 a.m., nine minutes after the call for help. They tried to contact the gunman using the public-address system on their squad cars. Roberts did not respond. Instead, he called 911 and demanded they leave. If they did not back off within 10 seconds, he said, he'd start shooting. Seconds later, gunfire erupted.

Roberts shot the girls in the head -- one after another, in quick order -- with his 9-millimeter automatic, stopping once to reload. He opened fire briefly on the troopers as they stormed the school but did not hit them. Then he turned the gun on himself; he fell face-down on the floor, dead. "It was all over in a matter of seconds," Miller said. One girl died instantly. A second passed away moments later, in a trooper's arms. A third was pronounced dead when she arrived at the hospital. Eight other children were in critical condition Monday night; Miller said "it would be a miracle" if they all recovered.

"He executed those children," Miller said. Authorities said Roberts apparently was looking to take revenge on young girls, and found the school a convenient target -- "a location of opportunity," as Miller put it.

Employed by Land O'Lakes and assigned to deliver milk for a subsidiary called Northwest Food Products, Roberts was known around the community as outgoing and personable. Co-workers told authorities that Roberts had seemed tense of late, not his usual, quick-to-joke self, but had been more relaxed in the past few days. When he finished his milk route about 3 a.m. Monday, Roberts parked the truck on a hill outside the school, as was his custom. He slept a few hours at his nearby home, but was up by 8:45 a.m. to take his children to the bus stop. His wife, Marie, noticed nothing wrong; the day was unremarkable, routine. "His family had no inkling," Miller said.

Marie Roberts released a statement Monday night to the media saying: "The man who did this today is not the Charlie that I've been married to for almost 10 years. My husband is loving, supportive, thoughtful, all the things you'd always want and more. ... Our hearts are broken our lives are shattered, and we grieve for the innocence and lives that were lost today."

Before driving to the school in a borrowed pick-up truck, Roberts left notes for each of his young children. His suicide letters, like his final call to his wife, alluded to resentment over a past grievance. Miller speculated that it could have something to do with a child that Roberts and his wife lost years ago. Mostly, Miller said, the notes expressed rage: "He was angry with life. Angry with God."

But Roberts' brutality evoked very little anger among the community Monday. Men in broad-brimmed hats and suspenders and women in bonnets and long dark dresses expressed grief and shock, but in hushed, muted tones. "It's a sad day," Jacob King, a 31-year-old stonemason said. He could think of nothing else to add, just repeated that one word, "sad."

Rather than dwell on the victims -- though this is a close-knit community, where few are strangers -- Amish residents spoke of their concern for Roberts' family; their sorrow that a man could become so unhinged, so alienated from the Lord. "I wish someone could have helped him out, poor soul. It's obvious that something was troubling him," said Steve, a 54-year-old carpenter who, like many here, would not give his full name.

Of the tragedy, he would say only that it was "uncalled for," and unexpected. An Amish woman who gave her name as Irene also expressed compassion for the gunman. "I am very thankful," she said, "that I was raised to believe you don't fight back. You should forgive."

About 20,000 Old Order Amish live among the dairy farms and cornfields in Lancaster County, about an hour's drive west of Philadelphia. They shun modern conveniences such as computers and television; many do not have electricity, and some do not have indoor plumbing. Their children usually walk the mile or two to the local schoolhouse, often a one-room building with a few dozen students from first grade through eighth. Most Amish children leave school after eighth grade to work on the family farm.

Communities do not typically have their own police force, but rely on the county sheriff or state troopers. "There's no need for police," said Aaron Meyer, 60, who owns a local business giving buggy rides to tourists.

Monday's attack in many ways echoed a fatal school shooting last week in rural Bailey, Colo. In that incident, a drifter named Duane Morrison, 53, entered a high school English class, ordered the teacher and male students to leave, and kept six girls as hostages. He sexually molested some of them during a four-hour standoff. When police swarmed the classroom, Morrison fatally shot one girl and then killed himself.

Also last week, a 15-year-old boy shot and killed his principal at a school in Cazenovia, Wis. And on Monday, school police in North Las Vegas, Nev., spotted a former student on campus with a gun; he fled before firing any shots.

Here in Lancaster County, violence also is not completely unknown: Just this past spring, a young man confessed to killing six of his relatives, aged 5 to 64. A few months later, the county was hit with a string of robberies, including the knifepoint mugging of a buggy driver.

As night fell, the wooden schoolhouse remained cordoned off with crime-scene tape. A pumpkin sat out front; in the back, the doors to two outhouses were propped open. A few orange flags marked the places where evidence had been retrieved. But for a cluster of TV trucks, the valley was still and dark.

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The heavy-metal music fan who went on a murderous rampage at a Montreal college wrote his own epitaph before he died in a shoot-out with police. Kimveer Gill, 25, posted a photograph of a tombstone on his online blog with the legend: "Lived fast died young. Left a mangled corpse." In another entry, he described how he would like to die: "Like Romeo and Juliet — or in a hail of gunfire."

Gill was identified yesterday as the man wearing a black trenchcoat who killed Anastasia DeSousa, an 18-year-old student, and wounded 19 people in a lunch-hour shooting spree on Wednesday at Dawson College in the centre of the Canadian city. Four of the victims were in critical condition in hospital last night.

Dressed in black, the gunman began shooting smokers gathered outside the college of 10,000 students at 12.41pm. Witnesses said that then he walked calmly into the building and started firing on students eating lunch in the atrium. The carnage could have been worse but for some police officers who were already on the scene writing up notes about a small drug seizure.

The gunman, who was said to have been armed with a 9mm semi-automatic rifle, a .45 pistol and a 12-bore gun capable of holding four rounds at a time, hid behind a vending machine as he exchanged fire with police, shouting at them: "Get back! Get back!" Police said that Gill shot himself in the head after taking a bullet to the arm. Officers dragged his bloody body outside to the street.

Gill's black Pontiac Sunfire car was found near by. Police searched the home that he shared with his mother in Laval, north of Montreal. A woman who said that she was his mother described him as a good man. "Just ask anybody. Ask the neighbours. He was a good son," she said, refusing to give her name. The woman said that police took Gill's computer. "I don't know what they found in the computer. They took everything".

Gill's blog on the "Goth" website vampirefreaks.com provided a chilling insight into his obsession with guns and death. He wrote that he was 6ft 1in (1.85m), was born in Montreal of Indian heritage and that his goal for this year was to stay alive. "His name is Trench. You will come to know him as the Angel of Death," he wrote. "He is not a people person. He has met a handfull of people in his life who are decent. But he finds the vast majority to be worthless, no good, kniving, betraying, lieing, deceptive, motherfuckers." "Work sucks . . . school sucks . . . life sucks . . . what else can I say?" he wrote. "Metal and Goth kick ass. Life is a video game, you've got to die sometime."

The photo gallery, containing more than fifty images, showed him posing with a Beretta Cx4 Storm semiautomatic rifle and donning a long black trenchcoat and combat boots. His favourite video games included Postal, in which the player goes on a shooting killing spree, and Super Columbine Massacre, about the infamous 1999 Columbine school shooting in Colorado. His "likes" listed in the blog's questionnaire included "goth girls, goth everything, Germany, my knife, blood, rain, ravens, crows, fire, destroying my enemies, semi-automatic handguns, combat shotguns, assault rifles and the Grim Reaper".

The last post in the blog, time-stamped 10.41am, says: "Whiskey in the morning, mmmmmm,mmmmmmmmm, good !! :)"

First, let me just say that when someone told me about this story I wasn't that impressed, but then I got a text from a friend that said the killer was very active on "your" (meaning my site FX) I perked up quickly, only to get a text a few mintues later that said, "ha ha".

Anyways....... Can someone explain to me how someone with three guns goes on a rampage and only manages to kill one person? I asked myself that question and then it hit me, fucking Canucks! Jesus bloody christ.... You go on a killing spree in a crowed university with a 9mm semi-auto, a .45 pistol, and a 12 gauge shotgun and you fuck it up. Only a canuck could fuck up something as simple a killing spree. That's just fucking sad. Talk about the ultimate slacker. I wonder what level he was on SCM? Fucking n00b.......

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Twin brothers, and one of their friends were arrested in Wisconsin after a tip leads police to young woman's grave. Cops say grave robbers had sex on their minds.

       

A Cassville police officer arrived at the St. Charles Cemetery on Saturday night after a neighbor alerted police to suspicious activity, according to a criminal complaint filed Tuesday. The officer found an abandoned vehicle parked near the cemetery. Minutes later, the complaint stated, the officer saw Alexander Grunke walking toward the vehicle, dressed in black and sweating profusely.

After being questioned,Grunke told the officer his brother and Radke were trying to dig up a grave, according to the complaint. The two drove into the cemetery to find the partially dug grave of a 20-year-old woman who was killed in a motorcycle accident Aug. 27 in Cassville. The diggers had only managed to reach the top of the grave's concrete vault.

Nicholas Grunke and Radke were arrested Sunday morning in Beetown, about eight miles from the cemetery. The complaint said Radke told police that Nicholas Grunke had asked him to help dig up the Cassville woman's body and take it to Grunke's house, so that Grunke could have sex with it. On the way to the cemetery, Radke said, they stopped by a Dodgeville Wal-Mart to buy condoms "because Nick wanted to use them when he had sex with a corpse," the complaint added.

Radke allegedly confessed and said that the incident was an elaborate plan to have sex with the corpse. He told authorities that Nicholas Grunke asked him to help dig up Tennessen's grave and take the corpse back to a pre-selected location behind his house with the intent to have sex with her "after seeing her picture in the obituary pages of a local newspaper." According to court documents, Radke told investigators he brought Nicholas to the cemetery earlier last week, and Grunke wanted to find Tennessen's grave.

Grovier said the three did not know the woman but had seen her picture in a newspaper obituary. The Grunkes are from Ridgeway, while Radke is from Dodgeville, both in Wisconsin's Iowa County, about 50 miles northeast of Cassville. Grovier said the woman was "very well-liked, very popular" in Cassville, a Mississippi River town of about 1,100. "The community is very upset," the sheriff said. "They can't believe it."

"The family, they're people of faith, but this is still a difficult time for them," the Rev. John Norder, pastor of St. Charles Church in Cassville, told the Associated Press on Monday. "We're all pretty shook up that something like this could even happen. It blows your mind how anyone could stoop so low."

Radke and the Grunkes were being held Tuesday night in the Grant County jail. The Grunke brothers were assigned a $1,000 bond, while Radke had a $1,500 bond for previous misdemeanor charges of resisting arrest, Grovier said. Each could face nearly 5 years in prison and a $17,500 fine.

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Right on! Nice one.                           Next?                Please, oh, please.....

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I've tried a lot of shit around FX, and a few other domains in the past. As with everything I try to get done it always fucks up. I'm not sure exactly why, but I've convinced myself it's because I'm a part of "it"..... With those sort of happy thoughts I'm going to once again put my ass on the line, roll the dice, and see how it all plays out. I say this not in a negative way, I thinks it's an adventure and I love to see shit come together or blow up. Fuck sitting back and waiting for someone else to do it. Now that everyone is excited to go down in flames with me.... Read on.

SickRadio.com will open soon, and I need some DJ's to fill the time slots. If you can slap together a 1 hour show twice a month for at least 6 months you might be well on your way. The more original the better. However, the content should be twisted, weird, sick, funny, underground, heavy, dark, etc... For more details email me with the subject line ATT KillTill - Sickradio KillTill@ForcedExistence.com Remember, we need sick shit, heavy music etc... (Not some retarded fucker grunting for a hour. But, if your show is you grunting for 60 minutes I very well may accept that too!) Anyways, I'd be shocked if I even got enough sick fuckers to sign up. But only after asking once on HFER for DJ's I was able to secure two of the sickest fuckers you'll ever hear behind the mic. So who knows, this may turn out to be a good time for all. What do you got to lose, send me a show.

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Hello everyone, Tillman has allowed me to take this from the Forced Existence Forums, and place it here, out in the open. I know this is an odd request, but I'm trying to change the world in a little way, who do I turn to? FX! Take a second, I would be gratefull.

There is a skatepark in Chesterfield Virginia that doesn't allow BMX bikes and barely gets used by skateboarders. The county charges for use anyway, adding bicycles to the park would add revenue (the city should like that, no reason to say no- greedy bastards) and keep us delinquent bikers from being bored.

This takes a few seconds and requires only your name and an email address. This petition is 100% private and your info will never be public, if you don't feel comfortable giving a real name, don't sweat it - use your cousins/mother/goldfish's.. LIE! I don't care.. it needs a legit email address though. I'm not really asking you to form an underground revoltuion/boxing club, but we can start banning together and making a diffrence.

Stay Sick - Wraithdogg

Sign the petition here

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Holy fucking hell! Stop the presses. Wait a second. Let me get this straight. A muslim attacks 6 jewish women inside the USA at the Seattle Jewish Federation because of the recent Israel attacks and the FBI says that it was the work of a "deranged gunman"? Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck is going on here people? I'm trying my best not to have every other word fuck or fucking but this is complete fucking bullshit. Someone please tell me I'm dreaming. A muslim attacks 6 jewish women, shotting them all, kills one and the F fucking BI says that it was the act of a deranged shooter! That's terrorism!

Am I stupid, well I know I am, but when the fuck was it up to law inforcement (AKA the FBI) to decide the clarity of someone's mind before they ever go to triall? Last time I looked deranged meant: To disturb the order or arrangement of. To upset the normal condition or functioning of. To disturb mentally; make insane. Nice! The guman hasn't even been to trial and thanks to the FBI he already has a insanity defense. This whole thing is making me fucking sick.

Do you see what's going on? There's people inside the US that are not on our side. People in the press, people in the armed forces, people in the US government. They would rather sell you out to 10th century cave dwelling, uneducated, never read a book, Allah loving losers then defend you or our people in the armed forces. Imagine the ripple it would cause if someone said to them, "Hey, you stupid fucker, fuck you, and fuck Allah you peice of shit. Wake up and know that people from several different countries have been to outter space and to only your surprize there's a huge ass universe out there that would make your god seem like a peanut vendor on the sideline of a highschool football game. You cock suckers.

I'm done trying to be nice...... Yeah, I never really tried, but I'm begging everyone that reads this to say it with me: Fuck Allah. Fuck muslims. Fuck Jihad. Trust me, in their minds it's you or them. I say fuck jesus too. Fuck the jews. All these retarded lame ass religions have ruled this world for too long. Stand up and just tell them "fuck you!" Tell them to fuck off and die. They'll love that, they're used to death. Ask them if they've seen footage from the hubble. Ask them if the shit really hits the fan if they are ready to swallow a few hundred nukes from the USA.

I want to point out something I'm sure most of you don't know....... The US government is trying to condem 8 or more US soldiers to death for killing of people in Iraq... a fucking WAR zone. We train people to kill. We send them to war zones. They kill people. Now you want to charge them for murder? Again, I ask, are you fucking serious?

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What a perfect time to release the new FX layout huh? Right at the start of WW3. It's timing people, I've got it. Fuck if shit keeps going like it is right now there might be a limited amout of people (if any) that will be able to log onto the net. I'm sure most people reading this have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about, as the other media calls sites like FX and the people they visit them "American Idols". As in all you see/read/care about is American Idol. Although you might be lumped into that category, I'm far from that. I'm a news junkie. What the fuck is wrong with you? American Idol? You really watch that shit? I'd rather mow the fucking lawn then see that shit. Truth is I know why you do what you do.

The other media sites/TV shows/radio shows etc other than FX dosen't understand that although you're completely aware of the state of the world, you just don't give a fuck. We understand that people that believe in invisable gods are a bit mentally ill. We understand that these wars have been going on for the last 2,000 plus years and whether we give a shit or not there's still plenty of little brainwashed, lost idiots out there to continue your wars. Unlike the Happy Days genaration we know that every government is corrupt. It's all pussy, power, and money. Doesn't matter which of the richest fuckers win the elections, they are all going to base every decision that effects us based on the same thing... How much pussy, power, money they'll get for pushing it on us.

The only parts of all this that I think the American Idols is missing is the fact that we (as in the USA) is involved in world war 3. The fact that all over the world, whether the countries have ties to the US or not muslim militants are killing people on a almost daily basis. This shit has been going on long before "The War on Terror", so saying everything that happens is because of the US going into Iraq is a lie. The truth is anyone that isn't muslim is a infidel (non believer) and either should be coverted or killed. (They teach that to their children in school.. no shit) Either in any order is okay, as long as there is a conversion or a murder. The people that attacked the US, the same people that have attacked Israel for years are waging war against people all over the world no matter what they believe. All it takes to have your head cut off is not believe in their religion. I don't know what most American Idols would do, but if someone hated me just because I didn't like what they like, it should'nt be a death sentence. Right? Guess what!? To them it IS. Lame.

CBS, ABC, NBC, FOX, Air America, and every other letters and stations out there scream about the media being the problem. They say the media has a agenda, and that no one tells you the truth about whats going on. FX put it's hat into the media "ring" a few days ago, and I'm telling you as I always have that I speak the truth. I know, war sucks. But goddamnit they started it. People that say, "The rest of the world hates the USA"..... Either based on what we've done in the past or are doing right now are full of shit! The world has always hated us. It wouldn't make a fuck if we started shitting gold turds at this point, or 2,000 years ago. Xtian or not, you believe in Allah or you die. Period. Do you understand now? They don't want to trade songs on your mp3 player just because you hate "the" war we started or not, they want you dead yesterday, today, and forever.

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Bitter end..... That's the headlines to Dan Rather leaving CBS news. Don't you just love this world? After 44 years of pouring your heart out when you finally leave they name it bitter end. I could give a fuckless about Dan, but my point is that's how fucked up todays media is.... What even drives me more insane is to watch some major TV shows, or listen to a few major radio shows and them shows whine about "the media"..... Give me a fucking break.... They ARE the media. Dan Rather leaves in a bitter end.

I got a headline for the world..... This day and age anyone leaving anything, or does anything that stops is a bitter end. Yes, anything that ends has a 99% chance of being a bitter end. A bitter end? Am I the only one that sees what the fuck is going on? It's like before cable the top 3 stations ruled. The cable came along and everything changed. Then it was the net.... What the fuck is my point? My point is that every part of this fucking world is going to end in a bitter end. There is no happy endings today. Think I'm wrong? Wait a few years till you can't stop scratching your nuts or you're called into court. They'll be a clever phrase to describe your downfall too.... You can bet on that. Media? No one claims to be part of it today. I'm throwing my hat into the media ring. That's right.... I am part of the media. Fuck Dan Rather. Bitter end is what I have for breakfast.

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For someone that feels they are totally on the outside looking in, all I can ask is what the fuck is wrong with you people? Sure, that's an easy way out, I mean to just detach yourself from everyone sounds like the easy way out, right? Well, the truth is my entire life I've always been the outside person looking. I'm the type of person that can be at a party or attending a sold out show and stand there among hundreds / thousands of people and still feel completely alone. Even when the show was for my band or I was hosting the party I never really felt connected to you. I don't know if it was years of being told I was a worthless piece of shit or the many more years I told myself I was not worthy of being..... Well, just being.

I had such high hopes, I knew that somehow I was going to leave my mark on this world, and as time passes me by I've come to know that's not the case. Sure, I understand that I've touched a few people here and there as they have me, but I really thought that I was going to be something important. Not that it really matters at this point, I mean, we all see ourself rich, or powerful, or important in the future. That's part of the life process. As much as life seems to suck, could you imagine growing up and just not having one fucking dream. As kids no matter how brutal a childhood thoughts of escape and bigger and better things must be real as I dreamed them. I'm sure there's plenty that had a worse childhood then me reading this, but from what I've learned from most the percentage would be very low. So, I have to believe I'm correct.

Looking back I wish I could change one thing, which is to learn to enjoy the moment. I could be in the middle of something amazing and in my head I was still unhappy. I say looking back, fuck it's a live thing at this point. The good times I just miss them while they're happening. Most times too drunk or high to enjoy them. I'm not saying that drinking and doing drugs is a bad thing, I'm just saying that I've made it such a part of my life that it took over my entire life.

That's not want this rant is about..... I'm not sure what it is I want to say really. I do when I lay down in bed at night, the words I want the world to see flow outta my head so fast and it's right on what I need to say to release the rant inside of me... Or something. I keep meeting people and I see the same haze in their eyes that I grew up with. So many times that look of bewilderment isn't even involved with physical abuse, it's just a stare of hopelessness due to the state of the world. I know too well growing up in the 80's... Every other day there was movies, and news report etc about nuclear war. These days the media and the government are selling fear in every aspect of our lifes. The war on terror. Jihad. Being a kid even from a straight family these days must be a hell of a thing. 24 hour news reports seeding fear and hate. It's affecting me as well.

I wrote the rant at the opening page at forcedexistence.com almost ten years ago. And at the time it was something that I seen the world heading down. Not like I knew it was going to happen, but I knew it was... If that makes any sense. I re read that rant to a friend that has never been to FX about 4 months ago over the phone and he was like yeah etc... Then I told him I'd wrote it sometime in 1996, and we sorta got quiet... It's sick. It's fucked. It's almost like someone showed me the future. People today come by and read that and don't know that shit is ten years old. I'm no writer, and it still makes me shake my head as so much of it just fucking fits our day to day lives.

I'm not claiming to be special, or some sorta future teller or anything.... Please don't think that. Just late at night, I lay in bed and I think about how things are in this world and although I wished all this and more to happen, I'm not sure if this is wanted I really wanted. Don't get me wrong, it's fun as hell for me to watch, but just saying I enjoy the madness I also now feel bad for those that haven't even had a chance to actually enjoy their live or decide what they believe. Who they are, or what they want out of this life. I guess every generation says the time has come.

Today I turn on the news and I see how hundreds of thousands of people are so worried about some fucking horse. I turn on the radio on the way to work and there's a 10 minute update ticker about the fucking race horse status. Is this real? There's a fucking world war going on and people are sending in get well soon cards to a fucking horse? I listened to a local talk show here in Seattle and people was talking about how they watched (whatever horse race) and was sobbing in front of their TV when a horse fell down? Is this real? Everything thats going on in this world and people are wasting money on sending a horse fucking flowers and get well cards to a fucking horse? It's shit like this that makes me happy I'm outside looking in.......

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